“Kittens, sit down, please, and pay attention. We need to have a little talk.”

“I know what it’s about,” said Alex, the smart one.

“You don’t know what it’s about and don’t interrupt. Now, kittens . . .”

“Yes I do. It’s about why Uncle Felix isn’t allowed inside the house anymore.” Alex stared at me in that annoying know-it-all way of his.

“Well, yes, but only partly. It’s about all three of you kittens, and Uncle Felix and Aint Snit, too. You are nearly all grown up now, and growing up means Mother and I expect you to be responsible and not do bad things that get you into trouble.”

Russell stood up and began to walk away. “Okay, Dad, good talk. Got anything to eat? I’m starved.”

“Russell, you just ate. Sit down. You must have tapeworms. Your digestive issue is on the list of things I wanted to talk about. When you’re on our laps and have to toot, can you please, please aim it the other way?”

“I can’t help it,” he whined. “It comes on all of a sudden.”

“Don’t tell me you can’t move quickly. You’re a cat.”

“I think he’s disgusting, too, Dad,” said Leo. “I never toot.”

“First of all, Mother and I give all three of you good marks for hygiene.”

“What’s hygiene?” whispered Leo.

“Giving ourselves baths,” said Alex, adding, “Licking our fur clean,” when Leo still looked puzzled.

“I always stay clean because I’m the prettiest. I have the most beautiful fur. Everyone says so,” said Leo.

“Well, don’t act too proud because remember, you had a dingleberry problem when you were little,” I admonished. “You didn’t lift your tail.”

“I wish you wouldn’t tell anyone about that,” Leo whined.

“On top of my list is, all of you still don’t seem to understand you’re not allowed on the kitchen table,” I said in my sternest voice. “That’s the big flat thing where Mother and I eat,” I added for Leo’s benefit.

“What about when you’re not eating? Why not then?” Alex argued.

“No. Never. You eat on the floor. We eat on the table. End of discussion. Or do you want us to quit putting down bowls to lick?”

“Big deal. Never much in them,” Alex said through his whiskers.

“And Alex, what’s this about you biting Mother’s ear in the middle of the night? It took her an hour to get back to sleep.”

“She had a shiny thing stuck in her ear. I was trying to get it out for her.”

“Those are earrings and they are supposed to be in her ears. Leave. Them. Alone.”

Russell was fidgeting. “Are we done yet? I’m hungry.”

“We haven’t talked about Uncle Felix yet,” I said. “There’s a reason he can’t be in the house anymore. It’s because he was peeing on things inside and not in the litter box.”

“I wondered about that,” said Russell. “I thought maybe when we get that old we were allowed to.”

“Stupid,” said Alex. “Aint Snit is old and she doesn’t do that.”

“Aint Snit is mean sometimes,” Leo said.

“That’s her personality,” I explained. “Her mother was feral and abandoned her and her brothers. Give her a little space. The main thing is, peeing inside the house but not in the litter box is very, very, very bad.”

“I always go in the litter box,” Leo said. “Sometimes when I’m outside I have to go and it’s really hard to hold it until I get back inside.”

“Yes, Mother said she’s seen you dash for the litter box when you come in. Actually, you can pee outside if you have to go. It’s okay.”

Leo looked disgusted. “I don’t think I could ever do that,” he said.

“For you, Leo, I think that may be best.”