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With Honey away for a while - traveling with her sisters to Mississippi to visit a sick aunt - I'm on my own for 10 whole days.
Batchin' it.
Will I go wild or become a hermit? Get a lot done or lay around all day? Keep the house spotless or live in filth? Watch Ellen or Oprah?
I decided to keep a daily diary, like Robert Scott did on his epic trek to the South Pole. Perhaps the record of my experiences can be of help to other men who find themselves in a similar situation, left alone for long periods of time with no wife to guide them. (Scott froze to death, by the way.)
Due to my column deadline, I can give you only the first five days of diary entries. I'll print the rest next week.
DAY ONE: Feelin' good. Played racquetball all morning with the guys. Good lunch – Honey left tons of prepared meals in the 'fridge, and backups in the freezer. Big nap after lunch. Promptly at two o'clock, I begin tearing off our outdoor deck. When Honey goes away, I always undertake some big, secret project to surprise her with when she gets back. This also distracts her from anything bad that might have happened in her absence, like losing one of the cats, not saying that actually has happened. Deck demolition going slowly - why oh why did I use 16-penny nails when I built it 30 years ago? Spent an hour finding portable CD player so I could listen to Steely Dan and Van Morrison while I work. Honey hates them, so I never get to hear them when she's around. Great weather today but it gets dark so early now. Sweet and sour pork for dinner. Cats driving me crazy wanting attention.
DAY TWO: Run to the store for essentials: ice cream, potato chips, six cans of coffee. Honey peeved because I didn't answer her texts yesterday, pressing for what I was doing all day. "Organizing sock drawer" isn't going to work for long. Deck demolition moving along. Finding all kinds of junk underneath, including skeletal remains of something. A cat? Great supper: potato soup, tossed salad and nutty noodle casserole. Worshrag came over late in the evening; "wellness check" thinly disguised as friendly visit.
DAY THREE: One cat missing overnight. Boiled two dozen eggs I found on the stoop that Honey had put there to throw away when she cleaned out the basement refrigerator last week. Worshrag had left the eggs when he moved to the apartment in June. Had some for breakfast. Dirty clothes basket is overflowing, but Honey doesn't trust me to run the clothes washer. I did successfully run the dishwasher, however. Yay, me! Weather still balmy, got half the deck torn off, made a run to the lumberyard for 12-foot treated deck boards. Wow, are these things expensive. For lunch, bacon sandwiches with homegrown tomatoes. Ate two beets before deciding they were going bad. Chicken parmesan for dinner. Yum! Honey called, openly skeptical of my "just doing routine things" excuse for not answering phone. Sat in the recliner with three cats on my lap to watch presidential debate.
DAY FOUR: Cat came back. Power went out. No electricity to cut boards. No music. Getting sick of Steely Dan and Van Morrison anyway. Made run to lumberyard for the rest of decking boards. Geez, $23 each for sixteen-footers. Honey isn't going to be happy when she sees $1,500 out of the checkbook. Part of existing deck structure fell off the house. Spent an hour finding jack oil so I could fix jacks, raise it up and reattach. Started nailing on new deck boards. Ate rest of nutty noodle casserole for lunch. Turned off phone for nap and missed two calls from wife. Text messages asking "what in the world are you doing up there!!??" Power back on, feels great to make progress on deck. Dirty clothes pile is waist-high now and doesn't smell so good. Cottage cheese and applesauce for supper, plus last of chicken parm. Worshrag and girlfriend Busy Bee stopped by late; another "wellness check."
DAY FIVE: Rained overnight, weather turned cool. Cat missing, different one this time. Seed came over in the morning to say hello. (Another "wellness check.") Thought I was on home stretch with the deck project then noticed one section is tilting badly due to settling of foundation posts. Have to tear off steps and get out heavy-duty house jacks. For lunch, last of pre-cooked bacon for sandwich. End of garden tomatoes, too. Ate more of Worshrag's legacy hardboiled eggs for breakfast and supper. Honey left voicemail, probably ought to listen to it.
Next week: Batchin' It Diary, days 5-10.
(Fred Miller's new book of 100 stories, "Falling Under Honey's Spell," is available locally at Connie's Kitchen, Davis Bros. Pharmacies, Frank's Pastry, Giant Eagle Calcutta, Green Marble Coffee, Museum of Ceramics, and Pottery City Antique Mall, or at fredmilleratlarge.com.)