Life in the Shadows
SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio.–
Curly Dowd says that while deer hunting last week he shot at a buck with a pair of men’s underwear — boxers with the Milwaukee Brewers logo — wrapped around its antlers. He cannot imagine a scenario in which such a thing could happen.
Nippy Keene says perhaps the deer walked through a yard and ventured too close to a clothesline, and does Curly know that deer are not in season?
Curly says, “Oops.”
Ethel Mayberry reports that her husband is a Brewers fan but he hasn’t worn underwear since the airline lost their luggage on the honeymoon. Thanks for the information, Ethel.
Hiawatha Stump says her cousin, who lives on the east side of Castor, wears boxers with baseball logos on them. She says he has six clotheslines, one for each division, and that he hangs his boxers to reflect the current standings. She’s not a baseball fan but the neighbors find it handy when they want to know who’s in first place and it’s laundry day, and she also has some cucumbers to give away.
Each day I cycle to the far end of Castor and back, a total of 20 miles, and I have come to this conclusion: nothing is more perfectly designed to torture a man than a bicycle seat.
“Except a woman,” adds Wilson Hahn.
Musty Groves says he can’t wait for jacket weather.
Edwina Dulcet says she is appalled by the recent obituary in which Otto Hopp described the deceased as a “plump, pleasant lady who never did harm, and never did much good either, that I can tell.” According to her, Hopp should remember that he’s writing about someone’s loved one. When Hopp’s mother died, he referred to her as a “meddling, persnickety woman who didn’t have enough of her own business to keep her out of everyone else’s.” At least he’s fair.
Few towns have as many bats as Sycamore Shadows. No town has fewer insects. Most bugs hang around on bushes once dusk comes, at least the ones with any sense.
While preparing for a garage sale, Carbina Hastings found several long hairs on her late husband’s clothing, including three in a leg of his flannel pajamas, and wants to know if anyone remembers seeing Mr. Hastings in the company of a redhead. Mr. Hastings died in 1984, so the woman would be at least 80 years old now. What are you planning to do if you find her, Carbina, put a scarlet letter on her catheter bag?
Henry Sucket caught a blue crawdad in the creek and has it in a bucket at his shop for anyone who wants to see it.
Cleb Bowman saw the crawdad and says it looks like Hank soaked it in food coloring, “It’s nothing but a [expletive deleted] marketing ploy to get folks to the [expletive deleted] store,” Bowman says. “Everyone knows [expletive deleted] Sucket overbought gum [expletive deleted] drops and has been trying to sell them before they expire.”
Crawdad fraud is a serious charge, Cleb, and you’d better have your facts straight before you toss accusations.
(Send feedback or questions about Sycamore Shadows to email@example.com or via mail at P.O. Box 326, East Liverpool, Ohio 43920. Visit Amazon.com for information on the 2017 Sycamore Shadows Yearbook. )